A Serious Man (Almost can’t make it)

I’m very serious recently, like a serious man. Since the Pandemic starts, I rarely feels less serious. Seriously, I lost friends, sleep and humorous, like a tree burning inside.

My family, my reason for life, plan a Hawaii trip with another family this summer. I know everyone is flying to this island to get rid of their tedious prison time at home, and I think that popular idea is not too silly. My brilliant wife booked a very very nice vocation home at the big island, and it’s about 4 time the size of our current home. And Hawaii is just a couple of fold better than San Jose where famous for their sands industry.

That vacation feels like a hole of light when I’m trapped in a dungeon. I’m counting every last bit of my fingers and toes. That’s the hope that I will not murder by my new boss in my deadly enterprise company, if I miss the flight I will definitely found dead. American has a drinking problem, and I lost my sense of beer tasting, totally eclipsed by the guilty of drinking. I can’t fake. I have no talent of beer tasting, I’m just using that as an excuse. There’s no cure for being a dull and tasteless soul. Not even Pixar’s soul, which is brilliant BTW. Before I gave up myself to “Church of Jesus Christ of Saints of the Last Days”, no offensive, but you may know that’s the joy of being a fundamentalism (so you won’t be a hacker). Oh, I mean it’s hard to be a good dad, being optimistic, being a OK husband. I feel that is a wormhole to reborn. Maybe I can be “not serious” about everything, like a desperate meat ball.

When I march through this long and dark tunnel, I can see the light is at end of the tunnel. It’s only weeks away. It’s my nirvana, like “Negative Creep”.

And then, a day, then weeks, I get stuffy nose and other allergies symptoms. It’s OK, it happens every year. It’s the pollen, a good year for vegetarian, bad for my nose. Every year my months of allergies turns to Sinusitis around May, this year no exception. Oh, some exceptions, I also get a very sore throat. I mean like something burning inside, I shared the link above, that’s what I felt. I virtually visit my doctor, she is so nice, she told me that I should be under antibiotic. Oh, lovely, I love writing scripts with a powerful language. Penicillin is as lovely as PHP, which is the best language in our world. Penicillin is definitely better than beers! When I can eat Penicillin I will not even dream about beer. I was so happy, I start to worry. I worry that my nose and throat may get worse.

Oh, and it did. I lost my voice the next day, even with my favorite Penicillin. I didn’t get my bonus fever though. Lost voice is a good thing, I don’t need to show up in meeting. I just kissed my pillow for 2 work days, and a weekend. On a Monday, my voice becomes funny. My throat is burning. But my nose feels better, the Penicillin works. And a week later my voice sounds less funny, but throat is still dry, burning, like the unlucky California tree, still burning inside. Oh, it’s OK, it’s still two weeks until our vacation, I still have time to win the battle with feeling stressed of ruin my vocation being down.

Time flies to 72 hours before the trip day. We need to do our COVID test together. I’m sure my dry throat is not because of COVID, I got my Pfizer shots and are fully cooked.

But the night before the COVID test, my younger daughter got fever. I can’t believe that happened, I’m shocked it’s not a nightmare, it’s real. But we still need to do our test. We drive a hour and visit a city 1 hour away from our home, that’s another indicator that everyone is flying to Hawaii. I’m a serious man, doing a COVID test for a hot baby is a good idea, we can tell if she got COVID!

The next day, we got a good news that everyone is negative in our family. I mean we really feels negative, because our vacation is very close to vaporized. We will not fly when anyone in our family has COIVD, we will also not fly with a hot baby! Oh, I forgot the good news that we are COVID negative. One thing is off the list, but our little flower is still fever “not free” on that morning! It’s 48 hours until the flight. I’m a serious man, we almost can’t make it. Indeed!

But our little is fever free on that 47 hours mark. And then she stays fever free until 24 hours mark hit. So we have a thin hope to fly honestly (fever and symptom free, and COVID negative). But in the meanwhile I don’t feel sick, but my throat still feels funny, I still get dry mouth at night, I still feels like shit that we almost can’t make it. I start to plan for the worst, so I won’t die from heart attack. We start to pack our luggage, like there is still hope, like the summer Olympic this year. I start to worry that theft will visit our home. I found that I forgot my password combination of my safe, a physical safe weight for a ton (a metric ton not US ton, use as a metaphor). Then I search my home, from 1Password to every piece of paper I may use, I can’t find the combination. But I’m looking for that combination? I don’t need my passport, I don’t need money there (and there’s no money in it), I don’t need to use the prime lens in that safe, I don’t need to leak more secret of my life. And then I found the combination, I tested and been positive that I can open and close the door of safe. And then I continue pack my luggage. We sent our guinea pigs to our most thrusted friends’ home, they have a pool so everyone is happy to take care of other’s pets. We even get BBQ treat from my friend, we even tested our Snorkeling equipment from him. He even have snorkeling equipment we can borrow so we can return our equipment bought from Amazon. Sorry to waste some natural resources, I feel guilty because I love what Greta is doing. Oh, you can tell I’m a serious man, I’m talking with my “Rabbi”, and I feels like approaching a black hole. That’s just a metaphor, like what Christ Nolan used in his interstellar. Oh, where is my train of thought. I’m packing my luggage. I packed too much, like moving home. I want to pack a lot of medicines, so that we won’t sick in the trip. At this stage, me, the little flower may be sick at any time. We may be super tired, we may miss the flight. We may catch COVID on the flight because our immune system is weak. Lost our ticket for life is a step away.

I can’t sleep at night. My watch told me I didn’t sleep well. I still need to work, and the work feels heavy like black hole. This is mental disease, I’m not a capable man to raise two kids and keep my wife afloat.

I’m beer free for 3 weeks minus a day. I’m pretty sober but feels worse than those days I drink beers. But you know you can’t trade sin with god, you can’t please gods/goddess. Oh, I forgot to mention. I got neck pain, like lose a wrestling game. That was 3 days before the trip, the day after we did our COVID test. My neck and back just sore like lemon. I can’t tell the difference of sour and sore, I’m a bad language user, I don’t like PHP. I wore my winter cloth, because I see snow at peak of Hawaii big island. I worry I may get more cold and develop more symptom of serious man. I have a metaphysic feeling that warmth helps my neck. But you know that feeling is not much difference of getting helps from god. And I don’t even know how black hole feels. But it turns out the warmth doesn’t help, my neck and back still sore like stoned (I don’t know why stoned doesn’t mean it feels like stone, but have a sinful meaning. I don’t mean that “stoned” literally). So I used a pain reliever called ibuprofen, and it worked. Sorry, I’m not reducing fever, I just want to get rid of the back pain. It doesn’t work that well, my work still feels like sucking my soul out of my skull. So I used a pain relieve cream from Walmart, and it worked! There’s a volcano eruption on my back, near my neck. The ingredient of menthol burns my skin, but rather than that other ingredients do their job. The warmth do work, I mean that feeling like Salonpas patches, they smells like root beer, but they do relieve the pain.

So there’s a chance that I can reborn before the flight, my ticket to life. And only time can tell.

I’m writing this in Hawaii. I’m not detained by police. Our flight didn’t dive into sea water. Black hole doesn’t burp with our earth. So we actually made it! Flora is fever free and have a very high spirit. My wife didn’t divorce me. But Hannah did get her fever from yesterday, but then fever free for a whole day. Lyft scheduled pick-up worked. We get a XL car, and it caries our over-sized luggage just fine. No traffic, no traffic accident, no highway cops. We didn’t catch COVID, finger crossed. The Hawaii travel’s official website do work, and our PDF is not eaten by my Mac. We don’t have food poison. I do get some deep sleep before the trip, at least better than some other horrible day. I didn’t lose any electronics on the airplane. I didn’t forget batteries of drone, cameras. My back pain is still with me, but fades a bit. I get a blister on my foot, but it’s not broken. I still make mistakes, but they didn’t take my ticket to reborn.

Oh, I’m a serious man. I will go to interview, find some work which doesn’t eat planet earth. I still suck at leet code, but that will not take my ticket to reborn. I have some cash to stay afloat even my boss hate me. I love my daughters, my wife, my parents and the beautiful world. Hawaii is nice. It’s not as weird/cool as Australia, but very nice. It’s the same feeling to hear “Aloha” after you did your apple fitness+’s mindful cool down. The ramen place we went right after landing was a disaster, but it won’t take my ticket to reborn. There’s a small beach near the nice rental house where kids can practice snorkeling before they go to real snorkeling.

I’m doing my meditation, and my neck is sour like sore. I did drink an Ola light hazy IPA yesterday, and that taste worse than my home-brew hazy IPA I yielded last year. Which make me feel like not the worst beer taster in the world, at least I can brew something not horrible. Oh, I’m not saying Ola beer is horrible. It’s using the wrong malt bill and wrong yeast, used not enough dry-hopping and added to much hops to their wort. I’m the most hateful person in our group, because I critics like hell. But today, I start to joke like I used to be. Because I know I’m a serious man, and you can tell the end is as black as it is in the movie. You can only blow that gravity away by a laugh, like the serious Sci-Fi TV serious “Dr Who” (Sorry I only see maybe 3 episodes of them, and they are old, scary but fun. Newer episodes are boring, see I like critic like hell). And then I cleaned all the dishes, cleaned kids’ wounds from today, washed myself. Then I sit down, alcohol free, writing a poem of myself down. I will post it on my blog, I’m not a private person, I’m the opposite.

I lied a lot, like I used to be. But there’s some truth in this blog post, like I used to be. I hope that I actually get a reborn, been lighter body, been funnier, been serious only with none-PHP-language and maybe English and Chinese. I don’t want to lose my sleep, and the 3 hours time difference helps, it’s still before 10PM when I finish typing the words before this sentence. Why I’m pouring this much of negative words here? Because I’m really a serious man? I never own a motorcycle but I love to learn how to do maintenance of them. I love the craft of living, like I love making coffee and tasting beer.

Hope tomorrow I will fly away from the black hole, lands in Island Hawaii. Seriously joking like that’s the real quality of life.






最近诸事不利,走背字。昨晚给ipod touch贴膜边角进了灰,很郁闷,只能再网…

最近诸事不利,走背字。昨晚给ipod touch贴膜边角进了灰,很郁闷,只能再网购一个,可是能想起来的最近10次给自己和朋友的电子设备贴膜都没有失败过,偏偏自己的失败了。还好这样不用费心和朋友交代,和自己交代不就是来点积极心里暗示就好了么?




这几年买书也上万了,当然不都是计算机的书,还有很多闲书 P1110170.jpg

经典的技术书籍占了我的书柜的绝大部分区域。还有一些漫画书,大都是大学时代留下来的。 P1110173.jpg

一些放不下的书就随手放在转角的书柜里。 P1110171.jpg




最早一次听到她的歌是在05年底一个周五下午从密云回到北京的980长途车上,那是入冬的时候了,车外是棕灰色的北京,车窗上凝结了水汽,我穿的厚厚的坐在车上睡着了,在醒来的时候车到大山子了,耳机传来好听的吉他旋律,然后是一个声音非常奇怪的女声唱歌,歌的旋律也很怪,高潮的部分能听到华丽的冒险几个字。因为她的声音很像童声,所以突然留下了奇怪的印象,很难抹去。而后在我的Meizu E5里面反复的听到这首歌,但是我从来没有去看她是谁。我只记得那一些歌曲是dream4ever的CPOP 9月精选。
在开车的时候很喜欢听她的音乐。她的音乐都有标志性的巨好听的前奏,那前奏每次都让我误以为是另外的一首什么歌,让我每次都陶醉在里面,忘记那是什么歌,那是谁在唱,我在干什么。在歌曲进入主题,每次都能听到那种忧伤的情绪,或者说是脆弱或者清脆的理智的小女生的倾诉,我的爱人也是脆弱的女声,所以每次听到这样的音乐都回触动我心里那脆弱的神经,让我想要抱紧我爱的人。别人的博客把她的声音比作软刀子,暴露你的脆弱。好听的旋律倾诉恐怖的情绪,也许我喜欢这样的矛盾,这种偏执的感觉。这种感觉让我想起了Nick cave的谋杀情歌那张专辑,缓慢的民谣下面却是那可以刺激你的神镜的情绪和故事。
Kudos to cheer!

iPod touch 2入手

托同事从香港给带了iPod touch 2,好兴奋的拿到了这个iPhone的替代品。因为我一直以来很像有一个像样的掌上设备可以有空做做开发,而iPhone/touch可以说是不二之选,因为从艺术的眼光上看他们很完美(起码我这么看)。而且多点触摸带来的交互革命激发了我作为UE边缘认识的兴趣。

iPod touch 2多了录音功能,所以也可以配合fring实现skype通话,不过前提是你需要购买带mic的耳机,目前似乎只有Apple原装的,要220港元,好贵,所以暂时还没有出手买这个。但是机身先下手了。是从国美(香港)买的,因为很多retail的地方都售空了。












我的文笔不好,写点文字总是形散神也散。上周周末我们非常成功的又举办了一次Beijing Open Party活动,我这次又当了主持,回家的时候我感觉非常累,身体累,但是精神上非常满足。因为我感觉我为社区贡献了我的力量,这是我的责任,我认为它是我能做也应该做的一件事。我又想起我平常面对我的工作,不管是我在新浪的时候做新浪邮件,还是到了ThoughtWorks工作在Cruise和Mingle项目之间,都有一种良心在驱动我所写的程序,我怕我写的代码会对后来维护代码的人带来麻烦,所以我感觉我没有写出什么不负责任的代码。我怕,但是怕的感觉让我按照了良心做事,没有出轨。



Limo说我总喜欢把twitter的内容和google reader贡献也聚合到我的wordpress (blog)里面是个非常不好的“恶习”。可是我觉得实在是没有办法,因为现在我能产生的唯一一些有价值的信息估计都在twitter的bitching里面或者google reader的人肉过滤结果里面了。当然,如果3个以上的朋友在twitter或者邮件里面也同意Limo所说我就停止这样的做法。


这种丢失思路对于我这种看到什么都感兴趣的人来说就造成了什么事都做不专。可是我一直以来是以做事情做的专业自居的(为了我的自信心,不要反驳我的这个说法)。在和Limo pair一些东西的时候我也发现了这种情况,他说你做事的方式有改进的空间。因为我这个人本性里面缺少决断力,所以做事犹豫,所以就需要更多的理由来支持自己,所以非常容易发生分支思路。如果所有的分支思路都去cover一遍,那么付出的努力就会很大。无法让问题收敛并最终达到一开始的目标。



我们的sponsor就是在公司内部的一个比你资历深的师傅,不能说是传统的“师傅”,因为他不教我技术,他只是帮我做职业生涯规划还有帮我协调一些需要的资源。这种制度在我了解和呆过的公司中是独一无二的。sponsor会帮你做review,帮你进步,所以会有sponsor meeting,也就是一顿饭。之间我了解到马波原来是博士,这与他粗俗的外表形成了反差,从外表上来说绝对是一个农转非。之间记忆深刻的是马波说公司就是有组织的赚钱的人的集合,目的是赚钱,所以方法并非最重要的,而我们TW目前并不注重结果,所以和传统的公司有些不同,或者说不太像公司。那么这样说其实我们失去了一个本质的目的,这样不一定可以长久,起码对于在这里干活的程序员来说这里不是所谓久留(我们是说久,久指十年八年)之地。所以我心里推断马波要走,而且从他有些悲凉的表情上来说我确信不是今年就是明年,没想到也就是2个月以后我就和我这个新sponsor告别了。





  • 1、开始消灭我的个人电脑的硬盘分区。从很就以前我的Windows机器的硬盘都是有很多分区,里面力图放相应的内容。但是后来发现这样一点也不好,因为最后数据的无序造成分区的最早企图的失败。那么后来我发现Unix的树型管理很科学,你也可以把不同硬盘/分区挂载到树的不通节点,很灵活。而且Windows的盘符其实和目录没有本质区别,但是灵活性奇差。硬盘的第二个变化就是买大硬盘替换多个小硬盘。我有80G+120G X2+160G+250G+320G这么多硬盘,放到机器里面实在费电,所以应该做的就是买500/750/1T这样的硬盘替换它们,这样省电省事。同时,随着关键数据的量的增大,逐渐我也要开始使用Time Machine备份来提高安全性。
  • 2、使用好Mac,这个的确提升了我的效率,而且也有机会接触更多Unix哲学。不是说Unix哲学怎样,而是多学习很有好处。
  • 3、读书。我在包里面放一本技术书、一本文学/哲学书、一本杂志,分不同场合查看。这个是好看簿的大野狼告诉我的一个方法,后来我发现真的很好。原因就是如果专注技术而忘记了人文知识的补充,那么人生就会暗淡下去了,所以这种方法引诱我丰富自己,感觉很好。
  • 4、重新思考自己的选择。看着我去年写的wishlist,关于一些男人的玩具,如大液晶,好手机,昂贵的镜头,这些愿望在去年没有实现,但是去年的目标都是一些“超值”的选择,但是经过一年的思考,从《身份的焦虑》这本书里面我知道对物品的期待如果画一条满足度的曲线,那么得到那个物品以后这条曲线会急速下降。所以其实我能够享受的很多就是拥有前的期待,尤其对于这些男人的“玩具”也许逐渐提高你的期待才是更有意义的。比如,现在如果我再期待拥有的单反已经是D300+17-55 DX+105VR+S 10-20+SB800这样的配置了,而长焦我基本上放弃了。而去年购入的LX-2给我带来的满足非常之大,这半年来我也的确照到了不少的好照片,记忆满满。提高的需求可以延缓无谓的投资带来的资金损失,在头脑清醒后可以增加准确度。
  • 5、经常整理你的物品/文件,删除或者扔掉没用的东西,这样可以减少下次整理它们带来的麻烦。减少没有必要的需求,让你能够享受的需求的质量更加高一些。